What a week

It's only Wednesday. Please find me a time machine, I need to get to the future. I don't even need to go that far into the future, just Friday at 12:45p when I'll be home with Christopher and Lucy.

Last week my boss at work had given me extraordinary news. I was getting a raise and more hours. Music to my ears. Chris is in school and we are paying cash for him to go because we don't qualify for financial aid. Plus we would really like to move out of the crappy 1 bedroom apartment we have been living in for 3 years in August. We hate it. The neighborhood is nasty, the other people that live there are nasty, it's farther away from the stuff we do than we'd like to be and we need more space. More hours and a raise was going to help with that. We could afford to move and still pay for Chris to go to school. God was providing. Today I find out that Monday I go back to working 20 hours. Still a raise, but no extra hours. Which is better than nothing but it's still upsetting. I have felt stuck the whole time we have lived in our apartment. I hate it, but it's cheap and we don't have to pay pet rent for Lucy and we have a washer and dryer. I try really hard to see the positive aspects of life right now. I have a job. Chris has a job. We have a place to live. We have food. We have Lucy. Our family is near by. But I was so excited for this extra income that would have meant a house, with a yard and maybe even a garage. Room for us to spread out and have an office instead of having an office dining room combo. We could get all of the guitars and amps out of our bedroom. Chris's bike could go in the garage instead of in the living room in front of the fireplace. Lucy could run around and chase lizards and roll around in the dirt and be a dog. But now that probably won't happen. We might be able to get a bigger apartment but I don't want to pay new deposits and rent a truck and pack all of our shit up to move to a different apartment. It's not worth it.

My boss also told me last week that our only full time staffer might be looking for other jobs around the first of the year and to be thinking about if I'd want that job or not. That would be full time, benefits and some of Chris's tuition covered for free. But after this week I can't even imagine anything going my way. It is so hard for me to think about all the money I spend on college and look where it's gotten me. A part time job at a college. No benefits, no vacation days, nothing extra. A paycheck.

I decided that my personal professional development goal this year was to go to Grad School. What a joke. I still haven't paid off undergrad, and now I'm going to take out another $20,000 in student loans to pay for graduate school. What am I thinking. Obviously I'm crazy.

Right now I just feel like we will never be able to buy a house or have a family. And really that's all I've ever wanted.


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